The Pursuit of a Heart

Neuroscientist Curt Thompson has said that each one of us comes into this world looking for someone looking for us.

IMG_9760We long to be known. To be loved. To be pursued.

Thompson goes on to say, “We can grow up in homes in which the food finds the table, the money finds the college funds and the family even finds the church each Sunday, but somehow our hearts remain undiscovered by the 2 people we most need to know us: Our parents.” (Quoted by Adam Young LCSW in a podcast titled “Why your family of origin impacts your life more than anything else” April 16, 2018.)

I was the 3rd child in just over 3 years for my parents. That’s rough on anyone. I don’t have specific memories of my very young years, so I can’t say with absolute certainty that my parents were thrilled to welcome another baby into a home already hopping with a 3 year old and a 19-month old.

I never felt unloved, but I did feel undiscovered.

12 years ago I was with my mom the week after my dad died. Returning from dinner atIMG_9761 my brother’s house I said to her, “We’ve never been very good at heart-to-heart talks.”

She said, “No, we haven’t.”

And that was the end of the conversation. 16 months later she passed away from pancreatic cancer.

I determined when I became a mom that I would have open and honest conversations with my children. I would answer their questions no matter how embarrassing they might be. I would pursue their hearts. I would get in their business.

IMG_9762When I started being interested in a guy (who has been my husband now for 27 years plus), my mom never asked me about him. When I asked her why that was, she said she didn’t want to pry. Umm, you’re a mom. That’s your job. It doesn’t make you a busybody; it shows me that you care to know.

My mom loved me. I know that. But she didn’t pursue my heart. I don’t think she really knew how.

I don’t hold it against her, I’d just like to do better with my kids. Their hearts are worth knowing as deeply as they’ll let me know them.

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This post is a part of the Five-Minute Friday link up. Join the fun!

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10 thoughts on “The Pursuit of a Heart

  1. I like how you differentiate between feeling unloved and feeling undiscovered, and I relate to what you say. I don’t think my family are great at open and honest conversations either, but we do have a longing to be known and pursued.

    • Thanks, Lesley. I never want anyone to think that my mom didn’t love us. She absolutely did. So it’s necessary to my own heart to distinguish the 2. Being honest and open isn’t easy, especially if you didn’t grow up with it. Heart questions need to be asked. Nobody’s going to just volunteer that kind of info! Glad you stopped by 🙂

  2. I’m sorry that you didn’t have a close relationship with your mom. Thanks also for your honesty. Blessed to be your neighbor at FMF this week.

  3. Very true, Steph. I’m always learning. And it seems like it is so often “the hard way”. Lord, have mercy on me.

    • And the other part of knowing is being known. We have to be able to be open-hearted ourselves. Because in my case, I not only wanted my mom to know me, I wanted to know her. I see you as an open-hearted person, so you’ve got a leg up on a lot of others!

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