Tag Archive | friends

Just Who Do I Think I Am, Anyway?

I’m think I’m lost.

fullsizeoutput_7d81And I’m trying to figure out how to find myself again.

I knew months ago that there would be a lot of change for me this summer, but since it was (supposedly) all good, I hoped it wouldn’t cause grief. But grief has creeped up on me, causing me to doubt the decisions I made that brought about some of this change.

Some changes were just part of life happening. Positions in which I had served for many, years ended or were taken away. 2 of my 3 kids have moved or are moving out of my house. And then I made the decision to leave the organization of which I had been a part for 32 years.

As I see multitudes of friends posting pictures on social media of their summer travels that will end in the Cru staff conference in Ft. Collins, Colo., and I anticipate my husband leaving tomorrow to attend without me for the first time in more than 26 years, I find myself grieving more than I thought I would.

Yes, I made the decision to leave and pursue a writing career. I could have stayed. But the discontent that had been bubbling on the back burner would still have been there. Still a big part of me wants to be in Colorado with my closest friends.IMG_4361

It was time, though. At the point of my decision, I didn’t doubt that this was what God was leading me to do.

Yet I grieve. And I fear. And I doubt that I have what it takes to make a go of this full-time writing thing.

Where is this that I have found myself? Did I hear God correctly? Maybe I made a big mistake.

My writing muscles have atrophied. I don’t even know what it’s like anymore to pitch articles and do research. And what topics do I even care about? What am I learned enough in to even consider writing for others?

Just who do I think I am, anyway?

And so the tears come.

Soon, summer will be over and my daughter will get into the swing of school. And I will figure out what God wants me to say and to whom He wants me to say it. Are there likely to be rejections? Of course. I’ve already received my first. But after not using my brain for anything more than teaching 6th graders language arts and Latin for the past 5 years, my muscles may hurt for awhile. I may want to quit because it’s too hard.

IMG_4473And at unexpected times the grief of what is left behind might crawl out of the corner in which I’ve placed it. Some days I might let it come out and sit in my lap, and I will embrace it for awhile. Then I will point it back to the corner, hoping it will stay there longer than the time before.

And the joy of the Lord will be my strength.

Who do I think I am? I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a computer, trying to write from my heart, asking people to love what I have to say.


The Power of Friendship

I told my daughter today that I needed to write. She said, “You should write about the power of friendship.”

IMG_0632That’s something she thinks about a lot, being just a couple of months shy of 15. This past year has been dominated by a group of friends she and her 18-year-old brother have that call themselves The Marathoners. It started as a small gathering from the youth group at church that got together weekly to watch movies (thus the name “Marathoners,” from movie marathons, not running marathons.)

It’s funny how just watching movies together can bond people so closely.

The group normally met at the home of a young husband and wife who were volunteer leaders with the group. We knew them fairly well, in fact I mentored the wife, getting together with her each week, so we felt comfortable with all the people involved.

Oh my, how this group loves each other. They formed a chat group and message each other numerous times during the day both to solidify plans and to share funny videos, songs, poetry, prayer, or whatever they desire. Many of them even camped together with a couple of the dads for one’s birthday in order to see a meteor shower.

While keeping tabs on the kinds of things they were sharing with each other, I also cautioned my kids to beware of becoming a clique and to be sure they were including FullSizeRender-3others, especially at youth group meetings where there could be those who felt left out. I told them there would be those who were envious of the kids in the “cool group.” They assured me, “Mom, we’re far from the ‘cool kids.'”

Maybe so, but the closeness and love the Marathoners show for each other would be obvious to those observing.

And then something catastrophic happened.

The young wife, whose secrets I had been aware of for quite some time, went public on Facebook that she and her husband were separating and the leadership of the church had told her that she was not allowed to have contact with any of the youth inside or outside of Wednesday night youth group.

FullSizeRenderTwo problems: #1 That statement wasn’t true

and #2 Without any context whatsoever, that announcement sent the Marathoners into a tailspin.

In a rush of texts and tears and frenzied phone calls, we pulled together the Marathoners and the leadership of the youth the very next day, knowing that we needed them to hear the truth of the matter and have a time to process it all together.

I will forever be grateful for the way the leaders handled that meeting, and for the maturity that my kids showed. As we processed together in the following days, my son showed a huge heart for these friends who meant so much to him. And my daughter, who had been very close to the young wife, cried over this situation more than any other in her life, but found solace in the group who leaned in and loved each other even more.

Just a couple of weeks later, both of my kids were asked to speak to upcoming middle school and high school students at a graduation event at church. My daughter, who hates being in front of people, bravely took the stage to address the rising 5th graders and spoke from her heart about how having the right friends and trusting the leaders of TheCity (the name of the youth group) were so very important for their middle school years. If it FullSizeRender 2weren’t for The Marathoners, she didn’t know how she would have survived struggles she had with long-time friends at school. They meant the world to her.

I can’t say that I have a lot of friends still from high school, and certainly not from junior high. Not only do I live on the other side of the country now, but that was almost 40 years ago. But those friendships I have maintained grew and blossomed in the soil of a solid youth group.

This summer, we’re enjoying having the group over to swim. It gets my 2 introvert cave dwellers out a lot more. I love hearing their laughter, watching their friendship and praying for them.

FullSizeRenderThe power of friendship. It can change everything. It’s what Jesus wants for us. Oneness with Him, and oneness with each other.

And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. And all who believed were together and had all things in common. And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved” (Acts 2:42-47 ESV).

10 years ago Friday

I was sitting inside where it’s nice and cool, watching my 10-year-old daughter cavort in the pool with her friends. Friday was her birthday.

Of course, I remember that day clearly. I went through most of labor in the waiting room as there was no room in labor and delivery. There was a bomb scare which kept the doctor away until it was almost too late. She was snatched away from me by a well-meaning nurse who thought she spit up something greenish that could indicate a perforated bowel. She had to spend several days in the NICU, and I had to go home without her, which was one of the hardest things I’d ever done. Turns out she was perfectly fine, thank the Lord.

20120921-183342.jpgI loved the baby days, even with the sleepless nights. She was an adorable baby, and she has grown into a funny, gregarious, happy little girl young lady. Her heart is full of songs. She loves her family–even those annoying brothers–, she loves her pets, she loves Jesus. She wants to run a zoo when she grows up.

I’m hoping that doesn’t happen for a long, long time.

Happy birthday, Morgan.

Thankful today for:

595. My daughter
596. The rain holding off until after the pool party
597. Lasagna
598. Chocolate cake
599. Weekends

Thoughts on Turning 50

I’d been thinking and dreaming about my 50th birthday for a year. I knew it was coming (of course), but I really wasn’t too thrilled about it. I hang out with a lot of younger women. Sometimes, they make me feel really old. Most of the time, though, I just like hanging out with them.

50 just sounded so . . . old.

I’m the third one of my siblings to make that step, and they seemed to survive it. So, after tossing around the idea of just having a small group of close friends join me in celebrating this momentous occasion, I decided to blow it out. You only turn 50 once, after all. And I hadn’t had a birthday party in many years. My last one was a surprise for my 30th.

 My husband, David, took my guest list and emailed them all, hired my good friend Laura, cake maker extraordinaire, to make a lovely red-velvet cake with the words “50 is the new 30” on it, and we prayed for good weather.

Then the doubts crept in: Would anyone want to come? Seeing as how my birthday is 5 days after Christmas, would anyone be in town? Would they be bored? Please, God, don’t let them be bored.

Soon, the replies started coming in: if they were in town, they wanted to come.

Two days before the big day, we scrubbed the pool deck, cleaned the house, and hit Sam’s Club for the goodies. When the day finally arrived, the weather was perfect, we floated candles in the pool, set up a chocolate fountain, laid out the fare (smoked salmon, cheese logs, pigs in a blanket, mini-quiche and more) and waited for the first guests to arrive. I had made up a “Steph-trivia” quiz, posted around the house newsworthy facts of the year I was born and found a wonderful “Hits of the 60s and 70s” Pandora station that we kept on throughout the day. The songs made me smile.

But more so, the 50 guests (yes, if my counting was right, there were exactly 50 people there) who filled our home made me smile. Only downside was that I hadn’t appointed anyone as the photographer for the evening, so I have only a couple of shots of the event. But it’s there in my memory forever. And the thought that kept running through my head as the guests kept coming was this: “You like me. You really like me!”

Maybe turning 50 isn’t so bad after all. Not when you’re surrounded by such good friends.

Thankful today for:

111. a decaf skinny black and white iced mocha from Starbucks’

112. daylight savings time

113. a fun event to look forward to

Sisters From Other Mothers

I didn’t want to miss a day, but it’s late (and even later with the approaching time change), so this will be brief. We just got in from enjoying a birthday dinner at Kobe Japanese Steakhouse for my wonderful friend Alyson. The food was really, really good, but I would have gone to McDonald’s (and I hate McDonald’s) to celebrate her.

I live far away from my two sisters, so the daily blessing of being in their lives is missing (although better after the advent of Facebook). But with my friend Alyson, and a couple of others in my life, I have sister-like relationships that I depend on for that emotional connection.

We take care of each other’s kids, we plan vacations together, we text, we chat, we have fun, we share our hearts. We are sisters from other mothers. And they, along with my blood sisters, mean the world to me.

Thankful today for:

96. birthday celebrations

97. Alyson

98. my sisters