Just Who Do I Think I Am, Anyway?

I’m think I’m lost.

And I’m trying to figure out how to find myself again.

I knew months ago that there would be a lot of change for me this summer, but since it was (supposedly) all good, I hoped it wouldn’t cause grief. But grief has creeped up on me, causing me to doubt the decisions I made that brought about some of this change.

Some changes were just part of life happening. Positions in which I had served for many, years ended or were taken away. 2 of my 3 kids have moved or are moving out of my house. And then I made the decision to leave the organization of which I had been a part for 32 years.

As I see multitudes of friends posting pictures on social media of their summer travels that will end in the Cru staff conference in Ft. Collins, Colo., and I anticipate my husband leaving tomorrow to attend without me for the first time in more than 26 years, I find myself grieving more than I thought I would.

Yes, I made the decision to leave and pursue a writing career. I could have stayed. But the discontent that had been bubbling on the back burner would still have been there. Still a big part of me wants to be in Colorado with my closest friends.

It was time, though. At the point of my decision, I didn’t doubt that this was what God was leading me to do.

Yet I grieve. And I fear. And I doubt that I have what it takes to make a go of this full-time writing thing.

Where is this that I have found myself? Did I hear God correctly? Maybe I made a big mistake.

My writing muscles have atrophied. I don’t even know what it’s like anymore to pitch articles and do research. And what topics do I even care about? What am I learned enough in to even consider writing for others?

Just who do I think I am, anyway?

And so the tears come.

Soon, summer will be over and my daughter will get into the swing of school. And I will figure out what God wants me to say and to whom He wants me to say it. Are there likely to be rejections? Of course. I’ve already received my first. But after not using my brain for anything more than teaching 6th graders language arts and Latin for the past 5 years, my muscles may hurt for awhile. I may want to quit because it’s too hard.

And at unexpected times the grief of what is left behind might crawl out of the corner in which I’ve placed it. Some days I might let it come out and sit in my lap, and I will embrace it for awhile. Then I will point it back to the corner, hoping it will stay there longer than the time before.

And the joy of the Lord will be my strength.

Who do I think I am? I’m just a girl, sitting in front of a computer, trying to write from my heart, asking people to love what I have to say.

 

Searching My Roots

Last summer, after she listened to a Native American woman speak about her story, my sister Leslie challenged me to write a piece about who I am. The challenge is to know who we really are based on where we come from. I took that challenge and wanted to share it with you. I am currently at a place in life where I’m trying to figure out just exactly who I am and who God wants me to become. Kind of a mid-life crisis, you might say, without so much of the crisis part. Here’s a part of my story. I’d love to hear yours.

I am from

I am from the Golden State
I am from the winding, hilly roads overlooking the San Francisco Bay
I am from mountains and beaches, rocky shores and tide pools waiting to be explored
I am from sunshine and foggy mornings with the tips of the Golden Gate Bridge just peaking through.

 

I am from the country, the smell of alfalfa and the lowing of cattle
I am from searing heat and shimmering highways
I am from the Old Country, where garlic and olive oil permeate the air
I am from family, from privilege, a name and a reputation to maintain

I am from the land of bagpipes and brave hearts
I am from clan Grant, an unexplored entity in my life

I am from a popular mother and a father who wasn’t sure who he was
I am from the affects of alcohol and disappointment and dying dreams
I am from generosity and volunteering and friendships that lasted through decades
I am from a love uncertain about how to be expressed

I am from acceptance and forgiveness and new life
I am from purpose, from words knocking at the door, waiting to be let out
I am from unconditional love
I am from the heart of God, written on His timeline before it began